--- title: Fast Food Infomercial - Crystalview Records youtube: zwX-k3PL6dY dateuploaded: 2020-08-30T04:05:45 series: CR tags: - episode - CR layout: ahEpisode.njk ---

The tape seems like a VERY fake commercial for a fast-food restaurant, called Bradford Falls Fast Food, that sells pizza, burgers, hot dogs, and other commodities. It feels more like it's designed to appeal to potential investors than customers, due to its slow and overly-organized nature. It starts off with showing off the food items, each of which has some sort of anomaly:

    1. 16-ounce Cheeseburger, $3.74 : First of all, 16 ounces is an entire POUND. A half-pound burger is considered pretty large by most standards. How is this gigantic cheeseburger so cheap, and in a world where everything's price ends in a .99, why does this one's end in .74?
    2. 8-10' Pizza, $7.25 : The only real anomaly is the 8-10 ' part. That means eight to ten FEET. This, of course, might be a typo. If it's not, that's one gigantic pizza.
    3. 6" Hot Dog, $1.35 : Who measures hot dogs, and what do you mean by "alternative meats"?! Also, it states "optional condiments" as well as "mustard and ketchup included". Make up your mind!
    4. Plate of Fries, $1.79 : Why specify that it's a plate? Why specify that the fries are made of potatoes? Why are you suddenly calling ketchup "tomato sauce"?

Each of these food items had some fine print at the bottom of the screen, talking about the typical health hazards of consuming them. They're all pretty normal, except for the one for the fries. It's only on screen for a split second, and it's difficult to read or even pause on, but it says "Entering may result in a disturbance in the forest." The video cuts to black and changes into footage from a camera in a suburban neighborhood late at night on May 31st, 2006. It pans around and then zooms into a part of the sky before the infomercial continues.

  1. Drinks, $1.35 : Normal, but the fine print reads "Health warning: Do not go into the forest at the early hours of the night."
  2. "Sustenance" : While the other food items shown had pretty normal photographs of them for display, "Sustenance" is shown as some sort of mass of red flesh in between two burger buns. Veins extend from the mass and slightly cover the buns. There's an eyeball inside the mass. The music cuts out and the background slowly fades from blue to red. The information text reads "Delicious", "The blood is flowing", "The feast for the outsiders", and "They come out at night". The fine print says "It is too late. They have already seen you."

The video cuts back to the camera in the suburbs, about 45 minutes after the previous footage. Nothing notable happens in the footage itself, but the screen does quickly fade to red before the infomercial continues. It takes the viewer on a tour of the restaurant. The first anomaly is that the TV near the entrance says "They have awakened" and fills with static. In the photograph of the front counter area, there are some strange veins coming out of the center of one of the ceiling tiles. After showing off the bathroom, the background becomes red, and it cuts to an image of the restaurant exterior, covered with black, eldrich veins, stating "The consumption of food attracts the outsiders." It zooms in on a picture of a forest, then cuts to a camera someone is holding while walking through it. The viewer is advised "Do not trust anything in the forest. Not even yourself." It cuts to a shadowy silhouette of a giant creature with one glowing, red eye, and tentacles fill the background.